Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Photo a Day in May! Seared Ahi Tuna and some very RAW emotions…

Seared Ahi
     Its interesting that today’s prompt for my photo a day was RAW, cause that is so often exactly how I feel.  Lately my emotions have been feeling so raw and so stinging at times.  The divorce is still progressing and still drama.  I am definitely ready for that chapter to be over and closed with. 

     Last week was hard for me, and some of that is where my raw emotions come from.  Call me a horrible human being if you will, but I hate Mothers Day.
    
     I know it sounds weird for someone who loves family as much as I do and has such an amazing mother as I do to hate Mothers Day, but I do.  Frankly it reminds me way to much of goals that I have set for myself that I have not achieved.  I grew up wanting nothing more to be the perfect wife and mother and to have my own happily ever after. 
    
     This summer I turn 34.  Ten years ago I was on my mission for my church, which I might add was the greatest experience of my life, and I am profoundly grateful to have had that opportunity.  Ten years ago I figured that by this time I would have my happily ever after.  A handsome, loving husband, 4 or 5 beautiful children and lovely home to take care of.  Of course my children would be well-behaved and always say please and thank you and never be dirty.
    
     I would be of course the super mom juggling everything and cooking fabulous meals, and tending to my garden, so I would always have fresh produce to feed my family.  My kids would have music lessons and soccer games.   It would be an amazing life.
    
     Here I am ten years later…I guess I didn’t do too well at accomplishing those goals did I?  I may not have accomplished some of these goals, but I have learned so much in failing so far to accomplish these goals.  I have learned so much about me.  What I need to do, what I need to demand from myself and where to improve.
    
     The fact of the matter is that Mothers Day reminds me of the fact that I might never reach my greatest goals, That of being a mother.  Every Mothers Day in church they usually give out a treat to all of the women over 18 as a way of expressing gratitude and honoring mothers.  To be honest, its always made me a bit uncomfortable, to me Mother is one of the most sacred words out there, and I feel almost as though I don’t deserve to be categorized with the amazing women out there that I know that are mothers.
    
     But then I think of the amazing women that have acted as mothers to me, the ones that have been counselors, confidantes and friends.  So many of these women are not even mothers in the biological sense of the word, but have certainly acted as such.  The truth is that all of us have the ability to nurture and love others and lift others.  That is one of my new focuses, supporting and strengthening others, being a persons that nurtures and empowers those that I come in contact with.
    
     Several years ago my church, during General Conference (a conference held twice a year and televised for all members) there was a talk on a Mothers Heart, it was by Sister Julie Beck.  It was given in April of 2004, actually while I was still on my mission.  10 years ago this message rings true today, course with the experiences of the past 10 years it means even more to me then it did then.
    
     So this year I am going to work so much harder on having a mothers heart, because that is a hear that can beat in anyone and can be a blessing to anyone that comes in contact with it.  When I think of my own mother I think of unconditional selfless love.  I know I can never be the woman that she is (trust me, she is amazing!), however I can be the best version of me and make the world a better place because I was here.
    
     So what does the seared ahi tuna picture have to do with any of this?  Great question!  Ahi tuna is one of my all time favorite dishes.  I know how some people have comfort foods of mashed potatoes and mac and cheese.  Well for me my comfort food will always be Ahi tuna, slightly seared and hardened on the outside, maybe even coated with sesame seeds, but still raw on the inside.  This particular dish I didn't make, but believe you me, I did eat every last bite of it and it was delicious, food for the eyes, soul and body.
    
     I love it because it reminds me of me, I can be a little hard on the outside, goodness knows I have fallen down more than enough times to get a little dust and dirt on myself.  But on the inside I am still a little raw.  Still a work in progress…still getting there step by step.

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